Western culture (traditionally): Bride takes Groom's family name
Chinese culture: Bride keeps own family name
Recently I've been having a debate in my head (and aloud with Tony and some friends around here) about the above topic. What to do? As we've all probably figured out, I'm not the most traditional American on the block so maybe I would be having this debate even if I married an American guy.
On the one hand, I love being an Ingleby and all that "being an Ingleby" represents. Those of you who are Inglebys (or are close to ANY Ingleby) can understand my dedication to this name. Plus, since this is not a Chinese tradition, Tony is not pushing me one way or the other. Sure, he's excited about the possibility of me changing my name to his but he doesn't feel too strongly that I do.
On the other hand, I understand how having the same name can represent unity in the family and can simply be easier for legal and child-raising purposes. I guess I have always thought that I would take my husband's last name but now that the time is nearing, I'm not totally convinced.
Now is when I turn to you for advice...I know that plenty of you out there will have opinions so here's your opportunity to go for it! Convince me! Outcome: TBD following debate. :)
PS...details for your consideration...Tony's family name is Zhao (pronounced 'Jow')
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12 comments:
no major opinion. Just a reminder: if you become Shannon Zhao, people you don't know will assume you are of Asian descent and then do a double take when they see you (like how people assume I'm white).
Hmmm, that's a tough one, Shan. But no matter what, you'll always be an Ingleby - whether you want to admit it or not! ;)
Shannon, I totally understand your mixed feelings. I loved my last name--I loved being called VZ, I loved how it confused people, I loved how it was the name I had had my whole life, and I didn't want to give it up. Ben was fine with whatever I decided to do, which was nice, but didn't give me any direction to go with. The thing that tipped me was that I wanted to have the same name as my kids. Plus, for me, getting married was a big deal and I liked the kind-of biblical notion of a name change to mark such a major life change. So, these were the options I considered...
Just change my last name--easiest.
Hyphenate--probably the best for me ideallly but Ben didn't want to hyphenate his name, and it seemed like alot to write out every time (I am more lazy than I like to admit)
Have a second middle name--this would have made my name Sarah Elizabeth Van Zetten Bruins (quite a mouthful). I was told by my former pastor that for the Irish (which you are) longer names mean good luck...I decided against this for length, but sometimes wish I had gone with it, even now.
What I did--ditched my previous middle name, and moved Van Zetten up. This allows me to use Van Zetten when I want to, as if my name is hyphenated, but not have to use it all the time. It also allows me to have VZ on my license as my middle initial, which I LOVE! Ben and I agreed that we would both have Van Zetten as our middle name, but his follow-through on this is another issue entirely...
So, none of that is really advice, just information. I think you should do whatever YOU want to do. Names are a really personal thing, they are how we define ourselves and how others define us. Good luck figuring it out!
p.s. that is the longest response I've ever left on anyone's blog, and probably way more than you're wanting...
Definitely hyphenate... his name is short, and it would probably be the coolest last name ever (I'm still bitter about being a "Johnson" :/ )
It's the best of both worlds! And your kids could either take the hyphenated last name, or just take Tony's. Either way, they're linked by name to both of you, and you don't lose the "Ingleby". Someday, I will be hyphenating. Good luck!
I think this is such a hard choice when women now get married much later in life and have stronger ties to their last names.
I know many women that hyphenate. They continue in their professional life to be called by their madian name, but as far as family goes, go by their husbands last name. The kids have the father's last name, too.
I think Hyphenating is great because you can be both. Plus, you won't be at the end of the alphabet.
You are so lucky to have an extended wedding. My wedding was truly one of the best days of my life but it went by so quickly. Many times Wayne and I have said that we wish we could get married like that again. I have to think that it only has the same feeling the first time around. We're so happy for Tony and you. Have fun on the journey!
Hi Shannon -- I found your blog via Jocelyn's and I've been enjoying reading about your wedding!
I'm married to a Chinese man too, his last name is Wang. I hyphenate my name, so that I'm now a Larson-Wang. I never officially changed my name on my passport since it was just too much hassle living in China, but I introduce myself that way. Before I started hyphenating it I used to get lots of people assuming I was Chinese. It was sort of funny, but it got to be be problematic too when I was job searching in China and people saw my last name and assumed I was a local. I started hyphenating precisely because I got sick of having to explain that yes, I am indeed a foreigner, an American, yes, a white American, not a Chinese American (because sadly, in China, if you're a teacher, it makes a difference). People didn't want to believe me! If I was back home I don't think I'd hyphenate because honestly I don't care if people assume I'm Chinese, but I think here in China it confuses people a bit, especially since Chinese people don't change their names when they get married. Of course once they meet you in person they stop caring about what your name is and are just blown away by the fact that omg you married a Chinese man and want to give you the 20 questions routine about that instead.
Anyhow, do whatever you like with his name. The nice thing is that in China there's no cultural expectation about it so it really is completely up to you.
And congrats!
Hi Shannon,
I actually decided to keep my last name. Some of that is my feminist tendencies (why should we have to be the ones to change our name?), some of that is simply because it was simpler and meant I didn't have to change all of these IDs, passports. And some of that is Chinese tradition -- after all, Chinese women never change their last names. It's worked well for me, since, as a writer, I need to keep my identity consistent.
Whatever you decide to do is what's right for you. We can only share our stories and, perhaps, something will resonate with you. Good luck!
I think it's strange that the woman is the one considering changing her name. In this modern age, why not make the man change his name?
That being said, you would certainly change people's views on what "Mrs. Zhao" looks like =).
I don't know if you are still contemplating this or not, but I couldn't help but add my two cents. (I'm an American expat in China married to a Spaniard. I came here from Jocelyn's blog.)
I got married in Spain and there, women DO NOT change their names. It is not the tradition at all. Children take both their father and mother's surnames. (Father's first, mother's second) When I thought about taking my husband's surname, his whole family was aghast. "Why would I? But our children would be called Menchero Menchero (as opposed to Menchero Wright) and that would just be weird." My MIL went on and on... In the end I went the easy route and kept my name. I'm glad I did. I agree it is not an easy decision. Go with your gut on this one - what makes you happy when you say it out loud. Best wishes for a happy marriage!
How about Shannon O'Zhao? Never mind, DJ
Feel kinda strange posting this, (as far as I can tell I'm the only male commentor, thus no real personal ideas on how to deal with this) but I had an interesting idea -- if you use a "Chinese name" -- and I understand you may need an official Chinese name to get married -- use his surname in Chinese and your own in English. Seems like a compromise.
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